Rosemary's Baby...

So this is something that has always boggled my mind! If you are in a public place. Be it Restaurant, Hair Salon, Spa, etc. why you feel the need to bring your misbehaved toddler and all of their toys including a play pin and all of those fucking rattle toys??

It is 12:45 and I am sitting at the salon trying to get rid of a headache caused by a night of drinking before. Just as I felt the calming effects of my advil kick in. This little brat starts screaming at the top of his lungs. Blood curdling screams. The mom is laughing and thinks "he is just tired! Well if he is fucking tired PUT THAT BITCH TO SLEEP!!!!! OR take him to one of those Drop and Go day cares! Thats what the fuck they are for!! I mean there are other clients in here trying to have a relaxing experience and they cant because this demon is being sacrificed!

Now there is another kid that looks a little like Chicken Little in here and he is playing with trucks or cars or some shit and he is making the noises! STOP! LEAVE THEM AT HOME!

I feel like I am working at DisneyCuts or SillyScissors! This is not a daycare/ salon!

I have to go...I have foils in my hair and I don't want to overprocess...because then I will scream louder than that little fucker ever thought about!

oh and PS....Now they are singing some God Damn Nursery Rhyme! Thats right Bitch...Take that thing to a N U R S E R Y!

Basically my day is this.....

I Really Love Diversity!

For those who don't know I work at a salon in an area of Nashville called "Germantown." It's almost a mini wisteria Lane ( for those who watch Desperate Housewives). Historic old houses, families walking there dogs, business men having lunch at the cafe' across the street, those types of things.

However...Only a couple blocks away is the mission. This provides for great entertainment. Sometimes I see my favorite homeless woman Esther walking by with her Colt 45 and sometimes I see Darnell riding his bicycle in his skechers flip flops and brown bag in hand, and then SOMETIMES I see things I have never seen before!

Take for instance about 15 minutes ago as I was enjoying the effects of adderall, coffee and a nice cigarette outside on the phone with my mother. I hear a scream. Not a scream of fear, but a scream of anger. True Rage. I could have easily walked back inside, but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. I told my mother I would call her back. I needed to focus. This was going to be really really good.

In the distance I see a woman who looks like this....

and a man who looks like this......


She is screaming at him saying! "Iz all cuz uh your damn dranking problem!" "Yew knew I wuz trine to be good at yew!"

He is being calm as can be and by the way the dude is CLEARLY sober and she is CLEARLY piss ass drunk! As they get even closer to me she slaps him in the face and spits on him! He keeps saying "Babay, I'm try-nuh make it work fo us! I'm finna' get uh jobs next week. You know I be lovin you gurl!" She is not trying to hear his sweet talk at this point. She told him that sugar coated lies dont mean nuttin and she was going to leave him. You should also know that she is wearing denim cut offs (VERY short) a grey V neck ( It looked like American Apparel or she was just trying out that "hipster look" for summer) and she had one of those purses that is really small but the strap is like longer than your entire torso and she is holding her straw wedge sandals in her hand. She walked to the other side of the street and that was that!

I really wish Tyra Banks would have been here! She probably would have recruited that girl for the next "cycle" or Top Model! Or she would have gone undercover as a drunk homeless woman on her show! She would have changed that poor womans life!

This was definitely the highlight of an otherwise DULL day!

I get off in 30 minutes

and I am going to drink

and it won't be smart water..

Maybe I will try and find that homeless woman...I bet we would get along so well...and I have a couple Deep V's that I am looking to get rid of!

Tyra Banks Loves It!

Bellydancing Is The New Jam Band/Circle Jerk

Let's start from the beginning. I work with this amazing chick named Andrea who is a member of a local burlesque troupe called "Panty Raid" and for the longest time I have wanted to see them. Well Saturday was my chance to see them at the 5Year Birthday Tease-A-Thon! I was beyond excited. Adorable girls, taking off their clothes to jazz music while wearing sequins and smoking cigarettes and teasing the audience...what more could you want?

N O T B E L L Y D A N C I N G ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Bellydancing has always been kind of dumb to me anyway. If you are not Arabic or Egyptian I persoanlly think that you look really stupid doing it. It's almost like to them it's Halloween all the time, and the only people that really enjoy Bellydancing are other Bellydancers. In reality it's totally like a circle jerk or a Jam Band. They all get together and watch each other thrust their hips around and get off on it...W E I R D.

So Saturday night this group of about 7 girls prance on the stage all serious like they are about to dance for the Prince or some shit. The music starts. It's Sigur Ros. WHAT? I remember thinking how the hell is this going to work? How do you Bellydance to Sigur Ros? The answer is YOU DON'T, and THEY didn't. They stood on stage and did various poses which resembled Tai Chi, or Yoga. I remember asking my friend, are we supposed to participate? Is this a class? For those who know Sigur Ros, you also know that all of their songs are like 9 minutes long! So these bitches are camped out onstage with the look of death in their eyes very very very slowly moving into various poses for TEN MINUTES! I later found out that they were called "Gypsy Hands." How fitting. A stupid name for a stupid group! Someone needs to let them know that Pilates pants from Target hardly classify them as burlesque and our bellydancers, but then again I guess when you are moving slowly into childs pose or squatting dog you need that extra stretch!

Right after "Gypsy Hands" got their "gypsy asses" off the stage. My fabulous friend Andrea AKA Ruby Van GoGo took the stage. I was in the back because the front was taken up by about 25 VIP tables(why?) I quickly shoved my way to the front and some extremely overwight rockabilly girl in a corset(of course) said UGH! Excuse ME! I said Umm I'm sorry do you know her? She said No. I said Well I do...So im just going to be up here for a second THANKS! Andrea shook her ass and took of her clothes and made her titty tassles jiggle and it was amazing! When she was done.....I was done!

I left but for some reason the sound of those fucking gold coin belts that "gypsy hands" had on echoed in my mind ALL night causing me to have horrible dreams about being captured by them and forced to watch there performances for hours upon hours!

FUCK YOU GYPSY HANDS! You Ruined EVERYTHING


The End!

Perfection.

This is so good!

BAD SHOES ARE THE NEW BRANGELINA

They are taking over the damn planet!!!!

These things were in N Y L O N!  As if any self proclaimed Hipster would ever dare step foot in one of these horrible creatures!

These need to be demolished before Hilary Duff and Ashley Tisdale start endorsing them, which they inevitably will!  I swear my next blog won't be about shoes...unless of course something worse than these Birkenstock sherpa lined shits or Stiletto Crocs come out!

Wearing these shoes in public will totally ruin your street cred and end in Social Suicide!

Don't say I didn't warn you!

  

Blogs=Tampons

I never thought i would ever be the one to Blog.  I think it's because the word has always reminded me of the word tampon.  "Girl, listen we NEED to GO I just started and I don't have any blog's with me!!"

It's probably good that I have one so that I can write down all of the things that I don't say out loud which isn't much.  

I really have to start with this....

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE!?

  The first word that comes to mind when I look at these is POOR

 I mean, what do you even do with these?  Wear them when you are gardening to look sexy?  To make your cankles look smaller as you are pushing your bastardly children through Wal-Mart?  Or maybe it's to add a little spice to those ever so sexy Scrubs.  

I think the first time I saw these little bits of vomit came into my mouth.

Crocs even issues this little quote....  "These shoes will spice up any fashionistas wardrobe"

MAYBE if you live at 54th and Crenshaw...and actually use the word fashionista!